Are You Being Abused?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to guide you to local resources:
1 800 799 SAFE or TTY: 1 800 787 3224What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior that one intimate partner or spouse exerts over another as a means of control. Domestic violence may include physical violence, coercion, threats, intimidation, isolation, and emotional, sexual or economic abuse. Frequently, perpetrators use the children to manipulate victims: by harming or abducting the children; by threatening to harm or abduct the children; by forcing the children to participate in abuse of the victim; by using visitation as an occasion to harass or monitor victims; or by fighting protracted custody battles (See, e.g., Kim v. Kim, 1989) to punish victims. Perpetrators often invent complex rules about what victims or the children can or cannot do, and force victims to abide by these frequently changing rules.Domestic violence is not defined solely by specific physical acts, but by a combination of psychological, social and familial factors. In some families, perpetrators of domestic violence may routinely beat their spouses until they require medical attention. In other families, the physical violence may have occurred in the past; perpetrators may currently exert power and control over their partners simply by looking at them a certain way or reminding them of prior episodes. In still other families, the violence may be sporadic, but may have the effect of controlling the abused partner. Dr. Mary Ann Dutton, a leading clinical psychologist, defines domestic violence as a pattern of interaction in which one intimate partner is forced to change his or her behavior in response to the threats or abuse of the other partner. (Dutton, 1994)
What types of things indicate abuse?
- Everyone argues or fights with their partner or spouse now and then. When you argue or fight at home, what happens? Do you ever change your behavior because you are afraid of the consequences of a fight?
- Do you feel that your partner or spouse treats you well? Is there anything that goes on at home that makes you feel afraid?
- Has your partner or spouse ever hurt or threatened you or your children? Has your partner or spouse ever put their hands on you against your will? Has your partner or spouse ever forced you to do something you did not want to do? Does your partner or spouse criticize you or your children often?
- Has your partner or spouse ever tried to keep you from taking medication you needed or from seeking medical help? Does your partner refuse to let you sleep at night?
- Has your partner or spouse ever hurt your pets or destroyed your clothing, objects in your home, or something which you especially cared about? Does your partner or spouse throw or break objects in the home or damage the home itself during arguments?
- Does your partner or spouse act jealously, for example, always calling you at work or home to check up on you? Is it hard for you to maintain relationships with your friends, relatives, neighbors, or co-workers because your partner or spouse disapproves of, argues with, or criticizes them? Does your partner or spouse accuse you unjustly of flirting with others or having affairs? Has your partner or spouse ever tried to keep you from leaving the house?
- Does your spouse or partner make it hard for you to find or keep a job or go to school?
- Every family has their own way of handling finances. Does your partner or spouse withhold money from you when you need it? Do you know what your family's assets are? Do you know where important documents like bank books, check books, financial statements, birth certificates, and passports for you and members of your family are kept? If you wanted to see or use any of them, would your partner or spouse make it difficult for you to do so? Does your spouse or partner sometimes spend large sums of money and refuse to tell you why or what the money was spent on?
- Has your spouse or partner ever forced you to have sex or made you do things during sex that make you feel uncomfortable? Does your partner demand sex when you are sick, tired, or sleeping?
- Has your spouse or partner ever used or threatened to use a weapon against you? Are there guns in your home?
- Does your spouse or partner abuse drugs or alcohol? What happens?
Sources Cited
See Power and Control Wheel produced by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN.
See, e.g., Kim v. Kim, 208 Cal. App. 3d 364 (1989).
Mary Ann Dutton, The Dynamics of Domestic Violence: Understanding the Response from Battered Women, 68(9) FLA. BAR J. 24 (1994).